So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
