The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
too bad you live with your parents still
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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