I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
