PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
