Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
