So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
