so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
