mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
