dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
this will be a night to untag.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
