All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
