Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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