Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
