hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
