3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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