i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
