My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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