When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You ruined the universe
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
