this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
