I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
