just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
