just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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