Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
