Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I want a musical about memes.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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