The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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