I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
