just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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