This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
