I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
