I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
