listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
