and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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