We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
