I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You've changed since you got that strap on
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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