That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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