Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
