WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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