I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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