Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
