Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
