Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
