Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
