eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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