That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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