If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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