so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
