I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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