I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
