apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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