I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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