'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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